The Worst Movie You Never Heard Of

In response to the opening of my previous blog 'The Best Movie You Never Heard Of', this next flick is the 1% I have had terrible luck.

Have you ever wanted to stick a fork in your thigh? Have you ever wanted to bob for apples in boiling water? I would assume the answer to both is a resounding NO. Therefore, the following question can be classified with the two previous: Have you ever wanted to watch "Automaton Transfusion"?

I'm going to be honest with you. I couldn't finish this movie. I saw it in the store, read about the concept, and thought to myself, 'wow, an independent zombie film might be pretty hardcore'. Well, it was hardcore.

I wanted buckets of gore, and got it for the most part...kinda. The gore was laced with earthquake equivalent camera shaking turbulence, probably to hide the low budget special effects. And it didn't take me long to realize that the same 'hardcore gore' was being repeated with every single death... a zombie bites a human's cheek and rips it off. There were just a couple exceptions, one of which was slightly cool, but in no way could redeem the movie: to be short and sweet, a zombie punches a pregnant woman's stomach with enough force that he breaks into her uterus. He then pulls out the fetus and chews on it a bit. Kind of a cool idea. It's just too bad it wasn't used in a better movie.


It's immediately obvious that the bulk of this movie's tiny budget was spent on gore effects. The low quality film itself was almost unbearable to watch. The highest of high def televisions would still present the grainiest display I have ever witnessed, even in an independent film. Imagine Darren Aronofsky's "Pi" covered in poop. Plus, the entire movie felt like an aged computer trying to play Crysis with full graphic detail. That's right folks. You get a constant LAG effect throughout the entire movie.

The synopsis (for lack of a better term for such a horribly written script) is a dude in a morgue gets his cheek ripped off. Suddenly, we're in a high school with a bunch of teen dumbasses who can't act with some obscure punk rock playing in the background. Suddenly, a teacher gets bit by a student. It's ok though, because about 5 minutes later, the movie's heroes who have witnessed the event seem to not even care that a zombie student just, you guessed it, ripped a teacher's cheek off. They go on with their regular chit chat about some lame concert in some lame town they have to go to that night. On the way to aforementioned concert, they notice there is no traffic. Trust me, they are PHENOMENALLY bewildered by the fact that a country highway in the middle of the forest is empty during rush hour. I'm telling you folks, this movie is ridiculous. Anyway, we see some more cheeks getting ripped, our so called 'heroes' running from really fast zombies. Finally, they find some weaponry and each star spends a minute or two inspecting their weapon of choice as if they had never seen an axe, bat, or shotgun before. They run out and start attacking the zombies as the camera flails about mindlessly sometimes catching the action, and other times just showing us a random zombie's arm or leg. It was shortly after this i just had to stop the film. They escape in a car, the camera wobbles about furiously, we hear screaming, see a couple dudes rolling down a hill, and conclusively left wondering what the FUCK just happened. We soon learn that somehow our heroes got split up. And by split up, i mean FAR FUCKING AWAY from each other. It was the most absurd transition I have ever witnessed in a movie. Some more extremely unintelligent dialog followed, and ended with the power button of my remote.

I returned the movie. They actually let me exchange it for the box office bomb "Across the Universe". I found that a huge relief because I would not have been able to live with myself knowing I spent money on the atrocity known as "Automaton Transfusion".

I did however take the time to research how the rest of the movie went. Believe it or not, the movie ends 100% inconclusively...they even throw in a "To be continued..." at the end. I'm not kidding.

So, what could you do with your time besides watch this movie? Shoot heroin? Commit suicide? Stick needles in your testicles? Rape your own asshole with a rake? Kill your own mother? All of the above would be a better option than wasting your retinas on this piece of SHIT.