I'm So Pumped...

...This Friday, the new Larry Charles directed flick comes out, Religulous. I don't remember the last time I've been so excited about a movie. If you're as excited as I am, you'll really enjoy reading this review: CinemaBlend.com Review

Dane Cook Sucks, but his favorite movies don't.

I hate Dane Cook. He's an untalented schmuck who became famous by parading along the coat-tails of comedians like Jim Carrey. Obviously Dane was not good like Jim, but just enough people enjoyed his idiocy that he was given the right to make terrible movies.

I say all this with the deepest sincerity, but I must admit, he has a good taste in movies. This article showcases his top 5 favorite/influential movies. He makes some really good points, but still cannot help coming across as an idiot. An interesting read, nontheless. I can't help but agree with him 100% on his choices and comments. I'm so ashamed.

CLICK FOR ARTICLE

Most Important Point Ever Made

"Terrorism, as bad as it is, should not control our lives." FUCK YEAH BROTHER!

The Brothers Solomon

If you want to see the shittiest movie ever made, make it a point to rent or buy The Brothers Solomon. This movie not only made me want to shit on a babies forehead, but it made me almost hate Bob Odenkirk who is a comedian I have always respected. This shit is bad folks. Avoid at all costs.

In fact, I would like to start a boycott of this movie to prevent its further spread. If you have an unfortunate experience with this film, respond here and we can learn to cope.

This is more LIKE IT!

Are you one of those people who just can't survive without having some sort of religion-like community? Well, there's great news!!! I have come across a church that just might fit your needs.

This church is for the people who are tired of being brainwashed by ancient scripts and the people who control it. This church is for the people who are tired of using a fairy-tale to control their lives. This church is for the people who understand how manipulative and downright horrible most religions really are, but still need some kind of church atmosphere.

May I then introduce, the
FIRST UNIVERSAL CHURCH OF KANTHEISM!!!! (lawl)

"We are free of dogma, and so must our members be, too. No preaching or attempts to “save-the-lost,” please."

Awesome.

I can't help it.

I'm sorry, but I find it extremely entertaining to read this shit. Click on the links for chat sessions of cyber sex gone wrong. These are just clever people fucking with other real life people in chat rooms or instant messengers. It's very much like my Fleshlight post previously. Enjoy!

Albino Cyber Sex

The Sage of Bloodninja

I Accidentally the Economy

Death Magnetic

Metallica.

What do we all think of when that band is mentioned? I can probably sum it up for you. They started as a revolutionary metal band that, well, revolutionized the genre. They created what is arguably the greatest trilogy in metal albums ever. That's right...EVER! Of course I speak of Master of Puppets, Ride the Lightning, and ...And Justice For All. Then what happened? Their audience split when Metallica decided to try things just a tad bit different with 'the Black Album'. Currently many people declare the black beast of a record is their greatest work of art. I personally enjoy it as much as Master of Puppets for instance.

It only got worse, though. Those in opposition of Metallica's slightly different style from the black album shat bricks when Metallica punched them square in the jaw with Load and ReLoad. Those individuals were never happy again. Metallica was changing and showed no remorse. They gained new fans in place of their hardcore, underground followers with their new sound.

Eventually, St. Anger happened. This album was mind-boggling. Gone were the favored guitar solos and metaphor sprinkled lyrics. Instead Metallica fans were left with such gems (sarcasm) like "FRANTIC, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TOCK!" Needless to say just about every fan, new and old, was left unbelievably disappointed. All hope was lost for our metal heroes of the past.

Out of fucking NOWHERE, Metallica strikes again with their newest album, Death Magnetic. I have listened to the entire record several times now, and the first word that came to my mind was nostalgic. That's exactly how it made me feel. Not quite Ride the Lightning, not quite Black Album, it is something entirely new and original; however, it harks the listener back to the days when Metallica kicked your ass with metal and thrash. All in all the album does in fact kick ass. For those of you hesitant about ever purchasing or even listening to another Metallica record, this is the achievement you've been waiting for. It's loud, obnoxious and has more intelligent riffs than you can shake a stick at. Why on earth you would shake a stick at rock music, I don't know, but it's there. Only one song I believe clocks in under seven minutes. The rest are epic rock experiments that will not give up. You will stay in your car after reaching your destination to hear the end of a track. Relentless, smart, old-school, head bangingly happy music is what you will receive upon getting this album. I highly recommend it.

Can I Have Your Attention Please

I would like to draw your attention to the new "The Findings" section to the right of my blog. It's underneath "The Collection". This is now where you will find updated links to interesting shit I find on the internet. Check back often.

Also, I wanted to make some of you readers aware of the fact that you may be lost... NOPE! I refuse to believe it. You can't be lost. You came here intentionally, did you not? That's right! You made a CHOICE and you visited this specific blog. Just remember that. You have a CHOICE to get the fuck out of here and never return if you find something you don't like. So make it.

I'll see you tomorrow dumb shit.

Something I Once Wrote

This is an excerpt from a novel I was working on and never finished. The book was based upon an extremely negative guy. He had experienced nothing but heartache from every girl with whom he was involved. He was also an in the closet atheist who falls in love with a girl from church. I find it quite appropriate to post this small quote on my blog:

Christ.
There he hangs in front of me full of woe. A wooden caricature that probably looks nothing like the real extremist who thought he was the son of a god. Not just any god, but the god that for some reason deserves to simply be called God with a capital ‘G’. It’s this god that compelled me to be here. It’s this god, the supposed triune joining of Yahweh, his son, and a holy spirit that I guess is composed of superglue and holds the trio together in an imaginably ugly mass, that compelled me to come every Sunday morning. It’s this unjustly just monster that gave my grandmother cancer, my grandfather heart disease, my would-be nephew a stillbirth, my cousin down syndrome, and gave me a head full of knowledge. I sat there in that back booth so many years knowing all of this. I worshipped his name; I sang it, I spoke it, I prayed it, I said God God God. Good good good. There I was staring at his wooden face caked with wooden tears and wooden blood and wooden sincerity. There were his wooden arms outstretched upon a wooden cross. There also was his wooden truth. Wooden love. All I had was this stick pasted to a wall to trust. My life is going to be eternal because of this stick. Eventually, the only reason I went to church was because of the smell. Fuck the stick on the wall I would think. I wanted to simply smell the wood of the pews, the wood of the ceiling architecture, the wood of the stick.

“The Lord states every good Christian should tithe. Naturally, the human beings blessed with large amounts of money can give more, but that’s why we base our fellowship’s tithing practices on a percentage. Every good Christian should spare ten percent of their income to the good of the Lord. For the good of our church.”

Mmmmm…the sweet smell of euphoric bliss. The chemical imbalance in my brain, the imbalance that gives people faith, the imbalance that makes the human euphoric, it for me was no longer based upon the inspiring words of a preacher or the downtrodden verse of the Bible. Instead, it was that damned sweet smell. The only reason I knelt for prayer was so my nose would be that much closer to the wooden bench in front of me. I would take a deep breath and let the succulent lumber enter my lungs.

“It’s for the good of God, fellow Christians. Nothing should hold us back. Satan tries, but he should never succeed.”

And so here I sat again on an early Sunday morning that should be spent sleeping to get rid of my hangover. On this day, I started to get angry and fed up. I can’t describe the initiation process of this anger, but it happened and I tested God’s existence. Why am I here? Not in this church. In this life. What the hell kind of madman would create a stage as screwed up as this planet? Am I nonsensical? Am I deranged? Or am I the only one thinking clearly around here? Dear God, give me a friggin’ sign of your being. Let me know you’re here.
Nothing.

Nothing.

Logic

The Flesh of Christ

(Click picture for better view.)

"Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood
dwell in me, says the lord."

I Accidentally My Fleshlight!

First off, if you don't know what a fleshlight is, google it. Second, this link I am about to provide you contains some of the funniest material I have seen on the internet in a long long time. It's pretty much self-explanatory once you dive in and start reading so here ya go:

I ACCIDENTALLY MY FLESHLIGHT!
Be sure and scroll all the way down. There's more!

UPDATE - It appears the photo hosting site does not provide a high enough bandwidth, and so you may catch the pictures offline. Just try again later if you're really that interested. (9/7/08)

UPDATE - Apparently, some person has brought it to my attention that this post is not WITTY nor INTELLIGENT. Or it's not witty AND intelligent. I don't know, it was worded a bit carelessly. Whatever the case, thank you so much Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous (LOL) for bringing it to my attention! I wouldn't have ever figured that out if it weren't for you. Again, I truly thank you for spreading the light of day across all the world with your very astute, anonymous comments. I would send you a thank you letter, but I don't know who you are! I apologize; I will work on getting more intelligently witty content published. (9/7/08)

UPDATE - This blog post is not meant to be witty nor intelligent. Just annoyingly humorous. (9/7/08)

MGS IV

I finally beat Metal Gear Solid 4. I've had the game for a decent amount of time, I just didn't spend the time to sit down and beat it completely. Besides that, I didn't want the game to end. I knew once I beat the story, it was the end of the entire MGS saga. It's actually a little depressing since I have played the series even before the Solid was added to the title.

Whatever the case, MGSIV is a game that will kick you in your knees until they hyper-extend and you prowl the earth like an ostrich. Not that it's very hard, it's just so friggin' kick ass! Every single human being who owns a PS3 has said the same thing. So I'm not here to repeat what everyone else has already said. I'm here to let you know, this video game marks the first time I ALMOST cried during a video game. There have been movies that I almost cry during, but never a game.

It's that good people. Go out and get a PS3 and buy MGS4. Now.

Infinity/10

(want to keep in touch via PS3? Add me: Skoolz)

LOL?